~* All Apologies *~

I just realized how long it's been since I blogged. I apologize. Life has been interesting. Nothing crazy, just busy.

I came in 2nd out of 2 in my competition a few weeks ago. I was a beginner. My competition was not so much. But I had a blast and I'm glad I did it.

I've been working as much as I can, but it has been the slow season, so I'm stressing. Fingers crossed I end up doing ok for September.

I've been having a lot of doctor appointments lately, which I will update when I actually get some news.

I've been working on my personal life, which I will also update more when I get some news.

And, I've been brainstorming topics for some writing samples. I don't have time to write them out right now, but I will soon.

~* Competitive Bitch *~

Who, me?? Nahhhh.

Ok, maybe just a little.

Okaaaaaay. Fiiiiine. Ya got me. I am a competitive bitch. Usually, against myself, but tomorrow I have the opportunity to compete against the world. Not even an exaggeration. I signed up for my first Crossfit competition, and it's part of the Garage Games Series called World Wide WOD Aftermath. I will be competing as a beginner, and have no hopes of doing exceptionally well, but I do believe it will be worth the experience and I'm kind of excited about it. A little terrified, but also excited.

Along other lines, I have had some interesting run-ins with the male species since I moved in. I had an overnight guest, because he was bored and lonely. I solved the lonely problem that evening, not the bored. I do enjoy sleeping next to a man. I've been hit on by a married man- whose wife I adore. Slime. I gained a cheering section for the competition tomorrow in J, who I haven't seen since I moved. And, I have had dinner with my gorgeous neighbor. Possibly, probably more on that in the future. I'm liking 30 so far.

~* A Rush Of Emotions *~

I am typing this from the comfort of my own bed. In my own clean sheets. In my own apartment.

That's right folks, I'm branching out on my own again. And it feels amazing. Today alone, I've run the full spectrum of emotions. From being rushed to get the move finished, to excited about spending my first night in my own place, to panic about whether or not I'll be able to make this work, to determination to make it work, to a little bit of sadness and loneliness...but life is good today. And I believe it will only get better from here.

~* I *~

I am 30 years old.
I am 5'5ish, with blonde-ish reddish hair and blue/gray/green eyes.
I am 131lbs (today) with a body fat percentage of 21.6.
I have a love/hate relationship with my family.
I have been engaged 3 times, married twice, and divorced 1 1/2 times.
I am a personal trainer, certified nutritionist, and seniors' fitness specialist.
I am driven by my passion for my job and a never-ending need to succeed.
I will never be good enough for myself.
I love what I do, and if I ever cease to love it, I will do something else.
I may never have children, and that's ok with me.
I get moody.
I get jealous.
I have trust issues.
I am a commitment-phobe.
I am terrified of birds, and drowning, and burning to death, and going blind.
I love music- all kinds, any kind. Well, almost any kind.
I am not religious, but will never tell you you're wrong for your beliefs.
I am both girly and tough.
I am a terrible jump-roper.
I am an awesome baker.
I like to paint.
I love the beach and all things summer-related.
I have no problem letting go. I pack light, and am sentimentally attached to virtually nothing.
I love polka dots.
I think a child's laughter is the most amazing sound in the world.
I hate being cold more than anything in the world.
I will treat you exactly the way you treat me.
I am a lover and a fighter. And a sarcastic bitch.
I will never feel the need to be better than you.
I will always feel the need to be better than myself.

~* Changes Ahead *~

Wow, it's been a while!! I've been soooooo busy lately, I have completely neglected this blog. I'm sorry.

Work has been insanely awesome, and awesomely insane. Our manager's wife PCS'd to Kansas, so our head trainer took the management position. Leaving li'l ol' me in the head trainer position. It's been great and challenging, my schedule got crazy practically overnight. I'm working, actually putting in effort, a full 9 hours a day now, and I had to start working Fridays again. But this craziness has put me in the incredible position to be able to afford my own apartment!!!

J isn't thrilled about it, but he knows it needs to happen. We had a little heart to heart about it. We haven't been doing so hot, and the longer I stick around, the worse it's going to get. He knows I wasn't ready to be living with someone, it just happened out of circumstances. I told him the truth- my moving out isn't guaranteed to fix things, but it's not going to make them any worse either. So, the big day is in about a week and a half. I'd be moving this weekend, but I'll be in DE, helping the family move into a bigger place so they don't all kill each other (not even exaggerating).

Anyway, gotta get to work. I'll try to get back on track with this thing.

~* Amazed Again *~

My clients never cease to amaze me.

This week, I feel like I have witnessed more drive and dedication from my clients than ever. Maybe it's because I've been pushing a little harder than usual, and they sure have stepped up. It's so freakin' rewarding.

Yesterday was the best day of the week. Aside from the fact that Thursdays are my Fridays (3 day weekends, yay!), I had two clients blow me away. Client #1 is a wheelchair bound man, 24 years old with spina bifida and diabetes. He has virtually no feeling in his feet below his ankles, but I got to take him through a leg workout yesterday!! Not anything crazy, but he was able to do the leg extension machine and the seated hamstring curls, and that was incredible. Client #2 is in his late 50s and he is a workhorse. He will do anything I come up with for a workout and never complain about it. I've only gotten the best of him once, actually. He set a goal for himself a while back- he wanted to do 10 pull ups. The last time he tried, he got 5. Well, last night, I got to witness him getting 9!!! His "gym birthday" is in 2 weeks, and I have no doubt in my mind that he will be able to celebrate with 10 full pull ups.

I am so full of wonder and amazement and sheer gratitude. How many people can wake up every day and feel truly blessed and fortunate to be going to a job that they love? I can.

~* Eating Dirty *~

I've been eating Paleo since the new year. Mostly, I love it. Every now and again, I want some kind of junk, but I usually resist and pat myself on the back for making the right choice. Usually.

But every once in a while, I just say "fuck it, dig in" and I eat whatever the hell I want.  And I inevitably pay for it the next day. Today is that next day.

Yesterday, J and I grilled some burgers and had a small gathering. I had a cheeseburger (on a bun), sweet potato fries, chips and dip, and cupcakes. And my digestive system is making me pay today. I feel terrible, and I kind of just want a salad to atone for my sins.

Lesson learned- cheat on a part of a meal, not the whole meal. 😣

~* My New Thing *~

Apparently running is my new thing. I did my first 5k in April. I did my second one this past Saturday. I'm registered for my third at the end of June. How did this happen??

I have no clue. It is awesome to be able to do something I was unable to do for so long. I was a severely asthmatic child, and I got winded running down the stairs, so this is an accomplishment for me. I did the Color Run in Baltimore this past weekend, and I finished in roughly 35 minutes. 7 full minutes quicker than my first run. AND I actually ran most of it. I'm trying to get to 30 minutes by the next one.

Here I am, all smurfed up on Saturday.

~* The New Average *~

I saw a post on FaceBook yesterday from ABC News that H&M clothing stores are now using a plus-sized model. This model is depicted in a 2piece swimsuit, is said to be a size 12, and is said to be a "normal-sized" woman. This is what average in our society has become. Have you seen this picture?

I read through the comments regarding to this picture. The majority of them were along the "Finally, a real woman" or "at least she's healthy, not skin and bones" lines.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???

How can you misconstrue this obesity as healthy?? This girl has a gorgeous face, but she is at least 30% body fat. If she is 180lbs, that means 60lbs of her body is pure fat. 30% is obese. Not healthy. High risk for diabetes and heart disease. And sadly, the new average.

Fashion and society have adapted to accommodate the laziness and vanity of our physically growing population, and it's disgusting. It happens in so many aspects of life- second example that comes to mind is the new means of grading for the majority of students these days. Just pass them so they don't feel stupid or left out. Well, folks, some kids aren't all that bright. Harsh, but true. Some parents don't put in the work, some kids don't put in the work, some teachers don't put in the work- it all leads to the same end. Dim kids.  Just as some women aren't healthy and attractive. Same kind of truth.

Why is it so out of vogue to show physically fit women as models? These aren't just fashion models, these are role models for young girls, and shouldn't a role model be someone who puts in effort and takes care of the only body they are given? Not overweight, or underweight for that matter. I'm not at all saying girls should be self conscious or anything that may lead to low self esteem or an eating disorder. I'm just saying that it shouldn't be a bad thing to advertise health and effort and hard work.

Did you know sizing now is different than it was in the past? Sizes are at least 2 inches larger now than they were 20 years ago. Marilyn Monroe may be a size 14 by today's standards, but in her time, she was a size 8. This is the kind of adaptation that I mean. Sizing to accommodate vanity. Nobody wants to take care of themselves, but nobody wants to be classified as fat either. You can't have your cake and eat the whole damn thing. Well, you can, but you shouldn't be able to still be called a size 6 when you're done.

***disclaimer- this is my blog, and therefore, my opinion.

~* There's No Crying In Crossfit *~

Bullshit. I bet there's a LOT of crying in Crossfit. I did a bit myself today.

J and I went out to SoPi since we both had the day off, and today's WOD was awful. Well, it wasn't really. I just kinda fucked it all up. 3 rounds, for time, of: 9 overhead squats, 18 kettlebell swings, 9 ring dips, 18 sledgehammer swings, and 400m sprint. So, it would have pretty much sucked anyway, but I made it a lot worse for myself.

First round in, I dropped the damn barbell. Twice.
Then, I got hung up on the ring dips. I'm a newbie, so I use a band for assistance, and I kept getting it all backwards. Lost probably 4 minutes trying to figure that shit out. There was a 20 minute time cap. I made it out the door for the sprint in the 20 minutes, but was so winded that I know it probably took me 25 altogether.

I got so mad at myself that I cried. Just a little bit, but it still happened. I know I could have, should have, done better.

"Progress is not made without struggle. Do not wish for it to be easier, wish to be better."

I will be better next time.

~* NOW Can I Take A Breath?? *~

I am officially a NASM Certified Fitness Nutrition Specialist!!!

Finally!

Now, maybe I can breathe for a day or two before I start my next course. I had been working on the FNS certification since September, through the redeployment, separation, and two moves. I am so fucking relieved to be done with it!! All that for just a few extra words on my resume'. Now, I'm going to celebrate with a Red Bull.

~* 75 In A School Zone *~

No, not me. I'd never speed in a school zone. I take that pretty seriously.

I just feel like that's how my life is going. I'm moving in with J. Actually, aside from the bigger furniture, I'm all moved in. And I feel like it's too quick.

I love him, I adore him, and on paper, we are freakin' perfect for each other. But, as I was moving boxes from my car into his house, it kinda hit me that I'm not ready for this. Of course, a little too late. I do this kind of thing all the effing time, and I end up in the exact same position- not knowing how to fix it. How the fuck do I bring up that conversation?? "Hey babe, I'm crazy about you and I'm so grateful that you're letting me move in and it's awesome that you're stoked about it, but uh....let's just make it temporary. I'll move out again in a few months, and then, if things keep going well, back in a few months after that, k?" Grrr.

I am so fucking mad at myself, and it's making me be bitchy to him, and I just need to stop.

~* Stability *~

Normally, I would be using the term stability in reference to training. Today, it's about my life. I just really want some stability, and it doesn't seem to be happening.

Let me rewind-
I don't remember if I mentioned this, but 3 weeks after I moved in with my roomie, she ended up under psych observation for 2 weeks. After hearing all the stories, I chalked it up to a misunderstanding. Someone took something out of context, and she ended up having to pay for it. Weird, but ok. It happens.

Once. It happens once.

She's under psych observation again. I don't really buy into "coincidence", but her situation isn't really my concern. I'm upset because she's been there since last Thursday. I didn't find out until yesterday. I came home on Sunday morning, like I do every week, and she was gone. I texted to see if maybe her work shifts changed, and she never got back to me. Then I woke up Monday morning to see her ex boyfriend's car out front. He stayed in the house, overnight, with just me and the dogs, and nobody bothered to tell me!! That is not ok in my book. I live here, I think I have a right to know who is coming and going, and when, and why. Apparently, nobody else feels the same.

So, now I'm uncomfortable being here. Plus J has been asking me to move in for a while. It's inevitable. He's gonna be lucky #3 one day, and maybe my current roomie situation is a sign that I'm not supposed to be here. I don't believe in coincidence, I do believe in signs. I'm terrified, but I'm excited too. Everything happens for a reason, right? I'm just tired of moving. I'd like to be able to make a place "home" for a while.

*Sigh* Who has a truck to help me move?

~* At Least I Finished *~

So, I ran my very first 5K yesterday. Well, more like jog-walked. My foot is still not 100%, and it was a trail run, so I didn't push it. I'm smart enough not to hurt myself more than necessary, but I did get a little running in. I'm not excited about the time, but it was close to my goal. I figured I could do it in about 40minutes, I came in at 42:07. It was weird, I was "running" the last stretch because I wanted to run across the finish line, and out of nowhere, my right nostril decided to stop working. I couldn't breathe and I started to panic a little bit. BUT- I did it. I can say I finished. And that is one less goal to accomplish this year.

~* I Kill Fat For A Living *~

Apparently, I really do. Over the last 4 weeks, my clients have collectively lost over 50lbs and 46 inches!!! I am so proud of all of them!!

It's funny- there are days when I wonder if I really have any clue about what I'm doing. Am I just taking stuff out of a book and hoping it works? Am I just winging it and praying for the best? But then I see results like that and I know without a doubt that this is what I was born to do. To help people. To educate people. To coach and motivate and reassure people. I truly do love my job.

Another funny thing is that my clients keep thanking me. One of them even sent me a Starbucks gift card. I don't feel deserving of thanks. I'm just the coach, pointing them in the right direction and teaching them the guidelines. They're on the field, playing the game, living the lifestyle. They are my purpose. I can't wait until the day when I can start up my own gig and do this all day, every day, with motivated people who really want to be better, healthier, happier people. I love my life.

~* Just A Vent *~

I've avoided this vent for a while now, maybe out of denial, maybe out of a desire to avoid confrontation. I'm at the point now where I just want to get it out.

My family drives me effing crazy. I know everybody says that about their family, but that doesn't make it less true. I feel so terribly disconnected from them. My entire life, I've wanted to be a closer-knit family, but it just isn't going to happen, and it's tough to accept. I understand that maybe a lot of that is because I live 7 hours away from them, but I've made that trip to visit 4 times over the last year, and I'm getting ready to do it again next week. They've each made the trip down here once in the 2 years that I've been here. And yes, my dad gets a pass on that. I get it, he's old.

It's not just the lack of visits. It's the lack of communication altogether. Granted, it's gotten a smidge better since the situation with my dad, but not really much. Nobody calls me or texts me- I always make the first move. I think since I got separated 4 freaking months ago, the only person to ask how I'm handling it all has been my dad. Once. That's it. Nobody seems to even care, and it's depressing. I haven't bothered to tell any of them about the amazingness that is in my life now because, let's face it, they won't care. J asked me the other day- hypothetically, if we were to get married on a tropical beach somewhere, how many people would be coming for me? I'm not sure any would. Sad truth.

Now, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. This is not a "poor me" kind of thing. I'm actually kind of pissed about it all, really. I swear to effing Christ that if I ever get to have kids, they will always feel loved and wanted and included. I just needed to get all of that off my chest. I'm done now.

I'm actually having a pretty decent day, which is maybe why I felt safe enough to vent. I woke up 35minutes before my damned alarm this morning and I felt like shit, but I got some meds (thanks mom for teaching me how to whip up cheap Mucinex) and I got in a decent quick CrossFit workout (WAAAAY scaled). Already had lunch, and about to get my learn on. So, mind is clear...let the rest of the day be awesome!

~* There's a New Judge In Town *~

That's right, folks. I am now an officially certified Crossfit Judge!

 

I took the online course last night, after I saw the Facebook ad that volunteers were needed for the regional competitions. The Mid-Atlantic regional is in Landover, MD, and I never pass up an opportunity to head back toward home. Now, I absolutely do NOT feel qualified to judge anyone really, even thought I somehow passed that course. But, as a CrossFit newbie, it was really beneficial to see and learn all of the moves done both correctly and incorrectly. And who knows, maybe I'll get to judge somebody famous!! At the very least, I paid $10 to pass the test and get into regionals, with a cool tee shirt. I'll mark that one down as a win.

~* One More Great Weekend *~

I did have a pretty fantastic weekend. Let's break it down, shall we?

Friday- I was done work at 9:30am. Yeah, I know, it's ridiculous. I'm actually just taking Fridays off for the foreseeable future to avoid going in for just a few hours. Anyway, after work, I headed out to J's place, let out the wrinkle-faced monster, and gorged myself on spaghetti squash alfredo. OMG Paleo amazingness!! He really is an amazing cook. After the energy tank was full, I went to SoPi Crossfit for my first one-on-one session. I LOVED IT!! My sessions are with a chick named Mila, and she's awesome. She's friendly, but she's tough, which I need. I've been too easy on myself lately, and I need that extra push. I learned a few basics, and how to fix my deadlifts. Then, I did my first Fran. I don't think it was timed, and it wasn't Rx- I only used the 45lb bar, and I used bands for my pullups- but I'd guess it came in somewhere around 7 or 8 minutes. It felt like an hour and a half. All in all, it was a great workout, and she kicked my butt!

Saturday, we headed back to SoPi so J and A could do 13.3. I love watching the whole group get together and just suffer to be better. Then, we all went for ice cream. Ugh, my body hates dairy these days. It's funny how quickly I've adjusted to eating super-clean. But, it was delicious. Later in the afternoon, J and I went to the range and shot a zombie. That was a blast. I don't think he expected me to be very good, but I'm a decent shot. I may not have a lot of gun knowledge, but I have pretty spot-on aim. Then we went to Smokey Bones for dinner with a couple who we will be dogsitting for next weekend. They were an interesting pair, but it was a nice dinner.

This morning, I made French Toast with the Paleo coconut bread we scored out in SoPi, and then whipped up the rest of the egg-batter-mix-stuff into scrambled eggs. It was a little weird- eggs with cinnamon and vanilla?? But not bad. It was a nice change up since he's always doing the amazing work in the kitchen, but he's still a WAY better cook.

Right now, I'm sitting back in my own kitchen, waiting on my pork in the crockpot. This week's food adventure is going to be shredded pork with plantains. The recipe actually calls for mashed plantains, but I think I'm just going to slice and fry them up in some coconut oil. Wish me luck!

~* Family Matters *~

Really, the title says all I want to say right now. But since the entire point of blogging is to let you into my life a little, I guess I'm forced to go a bit more into detail.

My dad is 79. He lived with my sister, her husband, and their 3 kids for years. Before that, they lived with him. But they've never really gotten along, and my sister has a tendency to siphon money from him. So, after years of bickering, my dad decided he wanted to go stay with my older half-brother in Florida. He got there a few weeks ago, and the first week was pretty awesome, according to everyone involved. Then, he started coming off his pain meds thanks to the docs at the VA down there (something that needed to happen, by the way). Suddenly, my half-brother and his wife were in WAY over their heads, and apparently (from what I understand) everyone was bickering and my dad doesn't want to be there anymore. My youngest brother is going to get him tomorrow and take him back home.

I don't care who takes my dad or where. I don't have much time left with him, and I just want him to enjoy the time he has left. I want to know that he is happy, comfortable, and cared for. That's it. I don't pray very often, but this is an exception. My dad may be a bitter, depressed old man, but he's my dad and I love him more than I can ever express.

~* Throw Your Fucking Scale Away *~

Yes, that's how I really feel, and sometimes I want to scream it at my clients.

The scale will never tell the whole story. Ever.

The client I'm speaking of in particular has lost over 20lbs since we began working together. She has started to "tone" up, and her strength is going through the roof. So, the scale is slowly climbing. It makes sense, but that little 3 digit number in front of her is getting into her head, and I pray it doesn't cause any setbacks. A lot of people know in their head that muscle is denser than fat, muscle doesn't float, and you will be heavier if you have more muscle. But that doesn't make people feel better. So, I'm gonna put this into perspective right quick.

I am 29 years old. I'm  5'5" and about 128lbs, with 20.4% body fat. When I started working at the gym a year and a half ago, I was 136lbs, and 28.8% body fat. So, over 18 months, I have only lost 8lbs, according to the scale. Considering the fact that I work out 5-6days a week and I eat super-clean, this could be a little discouraging if I were less educated on the workings of my body. When I was 136lbs, I had 39lbs of fat. Pure, disgusting, body fat. Currently, I have 25lbs of fat. So, when you really dive into it, I've lost 14 entire pounds of just fat. I started at a size 9 jeans. I'm in a size 4 now. I was a smoker back then. Now, I'm prepping for my first 5K. The scale is a LIAR!! Seriously folks, ditch it like it cheated on you with your best friend and just move on.