Wednesday, May 18, 2011

~* Friends Come and Go *~

I don't usually post twice in one day, but today I kinda feel like I need to. I've mentioned the fact that my marriage has been kind of a secret (well, I finally told my sister on Monday). We've been throwing the idea of the courthouse thing at Mr. M's mom to feel out her reaction. She seems ok with it, even offering to pay for the wedding next year, so the secret isn't so necessary anymore.

However, I don't think I've mentioned how Mr. M and I met.

That first marriage I talked about before- it was to Mr. M's good friend. He says best friend. I'll reserve my own opinion on that one. My first marriage lasted a whole 11 weeks. I made my share of mistakes in that marriage, not the least of which was not realizing that I was NOT ready to be married. My ex harbors a lot of hard feelings toward me because he thinks I made soooooo many more mistakes than I really did. His opinion doesn't affect me- I know what I did wrong- but it has played a part in my current relationship. My first marriage fell apart right before Mr. M deployed to Afghanistan, but for some bizarre reason, we stayed in touch. At first, it was just a short Facebook know "hey, take care of yourself over there" kinda thing. It just kinda grew from there. When it became clear that our relationship was growing, Mr. M asked for time to break the news to my ex on his own terms, and I naturally agreed. I have no contact with my ex, so I didn't care.

I did tell my best friend the basics of my new relationship, and I asked her to keep it quiet because she and her husband are good friends with my ex and his girlfriend. I was trying to respect Mr. M's wishes and share my happiness with my friend all at the same time. She has been there for me thru thick and thin, although it has been mostly rough patches on my end. I haven't had a whole lot of good news to share with her in the past, and I was excited to change that.

Over the weekend, Mr. M decided to finally have that conversation with my ex. It quickly became clear that he had already known. When I asked my friend if she had said anything, she said simply "people talk". Be that as it may, I don't talk to very many people. I was disappointed, and then it was topped off with a few low blows last night, especially when she said she was tired of making excuses to explain why we're still friends. I know I haven't been the best friend, and I've expressed this to her before. But dammit, I try. Then she got upset that I hadn't told her that I was already married. After knowing she couldn't keep her mouth shut with the one thing I asked her to, I had to laugh at that. The only person I told was my sister, and like I said, that wasn't until two days ago. Considering the only reason I'm actually married right now is for the Army's convenience, I don't think I was wrong to want the "wedding" to seem like the real deal. I don't know how she found out anyway. Maybe she read this blog. Who knows? All I know is that it sucks to know that 15 years of friendship just got rinsed away like chalk on the sidewalk. And I feel awful for Mr. M- some idealistic part of him hoped that my ex would understand, like a grown-up, and he could be the best man. Instead, he got closure on the end of a friendship that had been on the rocks long before he and I got together.

~* Happy Hump Day? *~

Ha, if I'm lucky. Mr. M had to report for formation at effing 4am this morning, which means he had to get up at 2:30am to take the dog out and get ready. And I know he was NOT in a good mood about getting up, and while he was taking time getting ready, the dog shit on the floor ( I keep telling him to take the dog out right away when he wakes up). So...tonight should be interesting. Hopefully a yummy dinner and a few beers will help.

I miss the physical aspect of our relationship. Not just the sex, but all of it. Kissing, cuddling, the whole nine yards. He's so worn out when he gets home, and I'm so busy with dinner and dishes and laundry. It's like as soon as dinner is done, he falls asleep. And I can't even really be mad about it, not with the crazy hours he's had to work this week. I'm just craving some "us" time. On top of that, this is All-American week, so he has to wear the same PT uniform all day every day, and he only has one tee shirt, so I'm washing it every freakin night. He's awake long enough to take the shirt off, then I have to stay up to make sure it gets in the dryer. I'm really not even venting this morning...I just miss my husband.

Monday, May 16, 2011

~* Time Flies *~

 So, I was slapped in the face yesterday morning with the reality that May is half over. That means that June's rent, electricity, and cable bills will all be due in 2 weeks. ( I don't know how every single one of my bills is due between the 1st and the 5th). Mr. M hasn't started receiving BAH or BAS yet because apparently someone higher up dropped the ball with the paperwork approvals. I dunno. I don't really understand it, but I know I'm panicking. Hopefully, it will all come in with his next check so he doesn't need to take out a loan just to pay bills. I'm not gonna hold my breath, but my fingers are crossed. And it's rough, because I feel like a failure because I can't cover it all by myself anymore. It's a weird feeling sometimes, to realize that I have gone from being a fully self-sufficient girl to half of an equal partnership. But only half, no more and no less.

On the plus side, we did finally make it to the grocery store last week and we have a fully stocked refrigerator for a while =) And we've been getting along a LOT better, no more bickering. I think that with me working, maybe we have both realized that if we're not getting much time together, the time we have should be better spent. Whatever it is, I truly believe that I am a lucky lucky girl.
" Don't place your better days in the future."