I've avoided this vent for a while now, maybe out of denial, maybe out of a desire to avoid confrontation. I'm at the point now where I just want to get it out.
My family drives me effing crazy. I know everybody says that about their family, but that doesn't make it less true. I feel so terribly disconnected from them. My entire life, I've wanted to be a closer-knit family, but it just isn't going to happen, and it's tough to accept. I understand that maybe a lot of that is because I live 7 hours away from them, but I've made that trip to visit 4 times over the last year, and I'm getting ready to do it again next week. They've each made the trip down here once in the 2 years that I've been here. And yes, my dad gets a pass on that. I get it, he's old.
It's not just the lack of visits. It's the lack of communication altogether. Granted, it's gotten a smidge better since the situation with my dad, but not really much. Nobody calls me or texts me- I always make the first move. I think since I got separated 4 freaking months ago, the only person to ask how I'm handling it all has been my dad. Once. That's it. Nobody seems to even care, and it's depressing. I haven't bothered to tell any of them about the amazingness that is in my life now because, let's face it, they won't care. J asked me the other day- hypothetically, if we were to get married on a tropical beach somewhere, how many people would be coming for me? I'm not sure any would. Sad truth.
Now, I'm not feeling sorry for myself. This is not a "poor me" kind of thing. I'm actually kind of pissed about it all, really. I swear to effing Christ that if I ever get to have kids, they will always feel loved and wanted and included. I just needed to get all of that off my chest. I'm done now.
I'm actually having a pretty decent day, which is maybe why I felt safe enough to vent. I woke up 35minutes before my damned alarm this morning and I felt like shit, but I got some meds (thanks mom for teaching me how to whip up cheap Mucinex) and I got in a decent quick CrossFit workout (WAAAAY scaled). Already had lunch, and about to get my learn on. So, mind is clear...let the rest of the day be awesome!
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
~* Family Matters *~
Really, the title says all I want to say right now. But since the entire point of blogging is to let you into my life a little, I guess I'm forced to go a bit more into detail.
My dad is 79. He lived with my sister, her husband, and their 3 kids for years. Before that, they lived with him. But they've never really gotten along, and my sister has a tendency to siphon money from him. So, after years of bickering, my dad decided he wanted to go stay with my older half-brother in Florida. He got there a few weeks ago, and the first week was pretty awesome, according to everyone involved. Then, he started coming off his pain meds thanks to the docs at the VA down there (something that needed to happen, by the way). Suddenly, my half-brother and his wife were in WAY over their heads, and apparently (from what I understand) everyone was bickering and my dad doesn't want to be there anymore. My youngest brother is going to get him tomorrow and take him back home.
I don't care who takes my dad or where. I don't have much time left with him, and I just want him to enjoy the time he has left. I want to know that he is happy, comfortable, and cared for. That's it. I don't pray very often, but this is an exception. My dad may be a bitter, depressed old man, but he's my dad and I love him more than I can ever express.
My dad is 79. He lived with my sister, her husband, and their 3 kids for years. Before that, they lived with him. But they've never really gotten along, and my sister has a tendency to siphon money from him. So, after years of bickering, my dad decided he wanted to go stay with my older half-brother in Florida. He got there a few weeks ago, and the first week was pretty awesome, according to everyone involved. Then, he started coming off his pain meds thanks to the docs at the VA down there (something that needed to happen, by the way). Suddenly, my half-brother and his wife were in WAY over their heads, and apparently (from what I understand) everyone was bickering and my dad doesn't want to be there anymore. My youngest brother is going to get him tomorrow and take him back home.
I don't care who takes my dad or where. I don't have much time left with him, and I just want him to enjoy the time he has left. I want to know that he is happy, comfortable, and cared for. That's it. I don't pray very often, but this is an exception. My dad may be a bitter, depressed old man, but he's my dad and I love him more than I can ever express.
Friday, January 11, 2013
~* Relocated and Re-adjusting *~
So, I'm all moved in and settled. Huge thanks to the people who stepped up to help- y'all know who you are. I am truly blessed to have so many people that wouldn't mind helping me haul all of my stuff up a flight of stairs on a beautiful Saturday afternoon.
I love my new space. I have it set up so that it pretty much fits me perfectly. I don't look around and go "ugh, where did that come from" or "I wish I could just throw that away". It's a lot of mismatched pieces, but it's cozy and homey and me. I love it. I stayed up til midnight Saturday night getting everything in place and unpacked so that I could make the space mine, and I'm happy that I did.
It's not a huge adjustment, really. It's pretty solitary, which is nice, but strange considering I have a roommate and 4 dogs. She's been working from 4pm-midnight, so we haven't seen much of each other this week, and the dogs stay to themselves unless I'm making food. And it's so nice to be so close to work. I haven't been sleeping in later, but I damn sure have been taking my sweet time actually getting up and out of bed.
AND- this blog post comes to you directly from my brand-spankin'-new laptop, courtesy of the coolest baby brother on the planet! Thanks to eternity, kid.
I love my new space. I have it set up so that it pretty much fits me perfectly. I don't look around and go "ugh, where did that come from" or "I wish I could just throw that away". It's a lot of mismatched pieces, but it's cozy and homey and me. I love it. I stayed up til midnight Saturday night getting everything in place and unpacked so that I could make the space mine, and I'm happy that I did.
It's not a huge adjustment, really. It's pretty solitary, which is nice, but strange considering I have a roommate and 4 dogs. She's been working from 4pm-midnight, so we haven't seen much of each other this week, and the dogs stay to themselves unless I'm making food. And it's so nice to be so close to work. I haven't been sleeping in later, but I damn sure have been taking my sweet time actually getting up and out of bed.
AND- this blog post comes to you directly from my brand-spankin'-new laptop, courtesy of the coolest baby brother on the planet! Thanks to eternity, kid.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
~* 30 Days of Thanks *~
I've noticed that a lot of people have been posting, on Facebook or blogs, one thing they are thankful for each day of November. I would rather just list 30 things I'm thankful for right here, right now, and get it out of the way
I am thankful for:
1) My given family. Dysfunctional as they may be, I wouldn't know respect without my father. I wouldn't know how to turn on the oven without my mother. I wouldn't know the unconditional love of children without my sister. I wouldn't know the depth of familial bonds without my brother.
2) My chosen family. My husband and my dog. When one pisses me off, the other one is there to make me smile.
3) Seriously, my husband. It has been a rough ride so far, but that man is just as stubborn as I am and he has stuck to me like glue through all the twists and turns.
4) My friends. I don't have a lot of them, but seeing them each settle into happiness has taught me what it is to truly be happy for another person.
5) My job. I am so thankful to be able to say that I have a job that I love. I truly enjoy going to work every day, and I am thankful that it is a job that I can take with me if need be. I am granted an opportunity to help people improve their lives in so many ways, and that improves my life.
6) The gym. If it weren't for the gym, well, I wouldn't have a job. But I also wouldn't have anywhere to go when I just need to get away and clear my head for a bit.
7) My health. I am a ridiculously healthy person. Sure, I get recurring shingles, and that sucks, but in the big scope of things...shingles isn't a big deal.
8) Chick flicks. "13 Going on 30", "P.S. I Love You", and "Love, Actually" have gotten me thru some sad times.
9) My driver's license. After 18months without it, I will never take it for granted again.
10) My lack of a car payment. One less thing to worry about.
11) Veterans. 'Nuff said.
12) My Catholic school education. I may have hated every day of every year I spent in Catholic school, but I will admit that I got a better quality education than I would have otherwise.
13) Our home. I am thankful to have a roof over my head, with food in the fridge, and a place to lay my head at night.
14) My hubs again. The 14th is his birthday, and I am thankful to have a reason to have cake.
15) BankShots, my cousin's bar. Best therapist's office/family reunion venue ever.
16) The Army- they provide my mortgage payment, health insurance, and education.
17) The Ravens. Real men wear purple.
18) 5:30am. No matter how bad I slept, how bad the day before was or the day ahead is going to be, at 5:30am Monday-Friday, I get to plaster on a smile and face my first client of the day with the hopes that the day will run smoothly.
19) Edy's Creamy Coconut Bars. Yum.
20) My Keurig. One cup of coffee, hot chocolate, or tea coming right up.
21) Holidays with my family. They are becoming fewer and farther between, and I cherish every one I am blessed with.
22) The distance between my family and I. We are close enough to make the trip if desired or necessary, but not so close than anyone is just going to "drop by".
23) Books. A getaway lies just beyond the cover.
24) Hot guys with their shirts off. Thank you, Channing Tatum.
25) Good music and the ability to hear it.
26) Birth control pills. I'm not a mom for a lot of reasons.
27) Video games. They provide the necessary break for the hubs when he needs his down time.
28) Guitars. Man, I do love listening to him play.
29) Christmas and all things Christmas related. Movies, cookies, music, smells...all of it.
30) The beach. Every beach. Any beach.
I am thankful for:
1) My given family. Dysfunctional as they may be, I wouldn't know respect without my father. I wouldn't know how to turn on the oven without my mother. I wouldn't know the unconditional love of children without my sister. I wouldn't know the depth of familial bonds without my brother.
2) My chosen family. My husband and my dog. When one pisses me off, the other one is there to make me smile.
3) Seriously, my husband. It has been a rough ride so far, but that man is just as stubborn as I am and he has stuck to me like glue through all the twists and turns.
4) My friends. I don't have a lot of them, but seeing them each settle into happiness has taught me what it is to truly be happy for another person.
5) My job. I am so thankful to be able to say that I have a job that I love. I truly enjoy going to work every day, and I am thankful that it is a job that I can take with me if need be. I am granted an opportunity to help people improve their lives in so many ways, and that improves my life.
6) The gym. If it weren't for the gym, well, I wouldn't have a job. But I also wouldn't have anywhere to go when I just need to get away and clear my head for a bit.
7) My health. I am a ridiculously healthy person. Sure, I get recurring shingles, and that sucks, but in the big scope of things...shingles isn't a big deal.
8) Chick flicks. "13 Going on 30", "P.S. I Love You", and "Love, Actually" have gotten me thru some sad times.
9) My driver's license. After 18months without it, I will never take it for granted again.
10) My lack of a car payment. One less thing to worry about.
11) Veterans. 'Nuff said.
12) My Catholic school education. I may have hated every day of every year I spent in Catholic school, but I will admit that I got a better quality education than I would have otherwise.
13) Our home. I am thankful to have a roof over my head, with food in the fridge, and a place to lay my head at night.
14) My hubs again. The 14th is his birthday, and I am thankful to have a reason to have cake.
15) BankShots, my cousin's bar. Best therapist's office/family reunion venue ever.
16) The Army- they provide my mortgage payment, health insurance, and education.
17) The Ravens. Real men wear purple.
18) 5:30am. No matter how bad I slept, how bad the day before was or the day ahead is going to be, at 5:30am Monday-Friday, I get to plaster on a smile and face my first client of the day with the hopes that the day will run smoothly.
19) Edy's Creamy Coconut Bars. Yum.
20) My Keurig. One cup of coffee, hot chocolate, or tea coming right up.
21) Holidays with my family. They are becoming fewer and farther between, and I cherish every one I am blessed with.
22) The distance between my family and I. We are close enough to make the trip if desired or necessary, but not so close than anyone is just going to "drop by".
23) Books. A getaway lies just beyond the cover.
24) Hot guys with their shirts off. Thank you, Channing Tatum.
25) Good music and the ability to hear it.
26) Birth control pills. I'm not a mom for a lot of reasons.
27) Video games. They provide the necessary break for the hubs when he needs his down time.
28) Guitars. Man, I do love listening to him play.
29) Christmas and all things Christmas related. Movies, cookies, music, smells...all of it.
30) The beach. Every beach. Any beach.
Monday, October 15, 2012
~* Gettin' Back In The Groove *~
Another successful family visit down!
The in-laws came to visit on Thursday and left yesterday morning, and it has been like Christmas around here. They sure came bearing gifts! They brought some stuff from the hubs' room at their house, stuff for the dog, clothes and a gorgeous dresser for me, and a table for the hubs' garage. They never let us pay for anything, and this weekend wasn't any different. I ate out so much over the weekend that all I really want to do today is eat salad and work out!
Which is a good thing, because I need to get back into my groove. The hubs and I haven't quite been able to click into place yet, but I need to get my own schedule back under control before I start to feel sick. I'm already feeling some physical side effects. It's pretty crazy much getting thrown off can really affect my body. Some people are good at doing different things at different times of the days, but I'm a creature of routine. I know that sounds terribly boring, but it's true. I usually eat very well and work out regularly, and I get physically sick and really cranky when that changes.The hubs went back to work this morning, and I'm contemplating doing a bikini competition in February, so I'm more than ready to get back into it.
So, this morning started with an oatmeal pancake, clementines, coffee, and chocolate almond milk enjoyed do the soundtrack of the artillery impact zone behind the house. I'm going to do some studying, put my books on my brand new bookshelves (thanks to the in-laws!), and hit the gym. Who said Mondays always have to suck??
The in-laws came to visit on Thursday and left yesterday morning, and it has been like Christmas around here. They sure came bearing gifts! They brought some stuff from the hubs' room at their house, stuff for the dog, clothes and a gorgeous dresser for me, and a table for the hubs' garage. They never let us pay for anything, and this weekend wasn't any different. I ate out so much over the weekend that all I really want to do today is eat salad and work out!
Which is a good thing, because I need to get back into my groove. The hubs and I haven't quite been able to click into place yet, but I need to get my own schedule back under control before I start to feel sick. I'm already feeling some physical side effects. It's pretty crazy much getting thrown off can really affect my body. Some people are good at doing different things at different times of the days, but I'm a creature of routine. I know that sounds terribly boring, but it's true. I usually eat very well and work out regularly, and I get physically sick and really cranky when that changes.The hubs went back to work this morning, and I'm contemplating doing a bikini competition in February, so I'm more than ready to get back into it.
So, this morning started with an oatmeal pancake, clementines, coffee, and chocolate almond milk enjoyed do the soundtrack of the artillery impact zone behind the house. I'm going to do some studying, put my books on my brand new bookshelves (thanks to the in-laws!), and hit the gym. Who said Mondays always have to suck??
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
~* Out And About *~
My mom and brother came to visit over the past weekend. Aside from the fact that the family time was awesome and much-needed, it gave the hubs and I a chance to get out and about a little bit. I never realized how little we actually do outside of the house- there are a bazillion places around here that we haven't ever been to and things we haven't seen.
So, we went to dinner on Friday, after they got checked in to the hotel. We didn't go anywhere new. Actually, we stuck with a good favorite- Crazy Fire Mongolian Grill. Yum! Then we treated TCBY for dessert. Growing up in Delaware, we had TCBYs, but it was so much different as children. Now, it's like a fro-yo buffet.
Saturday, we went downtown and saw the new Veteran's Park and the Airborne Museum. I don't know why, but I had never been there, and the hubs hadn't been since the park opened. They did an amazing job with the park...I got goosebumps more than once. The Museum was a really cool thing to go see. It's run entirely on donations, so don't be a jerk if you go- give them a couple of dollars. They did a beautiful job. There are paratroopers hanging from the ceiling, Little Birds with soldiers jumping out of them, and tanks with cans of Pringles. Check it out if you haven't yet.
Since we were downtown, we decided to go check out the Folk Festival around the corner from the Museum. That would have been a blast if we had had more time- there were little vendor stations set up all the way around Festival Park, with food and goodies from all over the world. All we really got to sample was pizza and fried plantains, but there was a ton of yummy smelling stuff! We saw a guy from Australia playing wooden spoons, some Native American dancing, and some African dancers (btw, they looked like they were having the most fun of all).
Saturday night, we went to Gillis Hill Farm for some homemade ice cream. I had read about the farm in the newspaper a while back, and it's right around the corner from our house, but we just hadn't been. It's a tiny building, and they're only open 3 days a week for 6 months of the year- but the ice cream was AMAZING!! My brother and I both got cones of pumpkin ice cream, the hubs got mint chocolate chip, and my mom got vanilla. The cones were fresh- I think they might have been homemade too, and it was so nice to just sit in little white rockers on the front porch of the building eating ice cream with my family.
Sunday, before the mall expedition, we all went on post to check out the Special Warfare Museum. The hubs and I had been there once before- last year on Memorial Day- but only half of the Museum had been open. We were anxious to see the other half, and we were not disappointed. It's really cool to go through the centuries of changes in warfare, and to see what the SF guys go through.
So, the entire to point to this rambling post is that if you haven't had a chance, go see some of the cool stuff around post!!
So, we went to dinner on Friday, after they got checked in to the hotel. We didn't go anywhere new. Actually, we stuck with a good favorite- Crazy Fire Mongolian Grill. Yum! Then we treated TCBY for dessert. Growing up in Delaware, we had TCBYs, but it was so much different as children. Now, it's like a fro-yo buffet.
Saturday, we went downtown and saw the new Veteran's Park and the Airborne Museum. I don't know why, but I had never been there, and the hubs hadn't been since the park opened. They did an amazing job with the park...I got goosebumps more than once. The Museum was a really cool thing to go see. It's run entirely on donations, so don't be a jerk if you go- give them a couple of dollars. They did a beautiful job. There are paratroopers hanging from the ceiling, Little Birds with soldiers jumping out of them, and tanks with cans of Pringles. Check it out if you haven't yet.
Since we were downtown, we decided to go check out the Folk Festival around the corner from the Museum. That would have been a blast if we had had more time- there were little vendor stations set up all the way around Festival Park, with food and goodies from all over the world. All we really got to sample was pizza and fried plantains, but there was a ton of yummy smelling stuff! We saw a guy from Australia playing wooden spoons, some Native American dancing, and some African dancers (btw, they looked like they were having the most fun of all).
Saturday night, we went to Gillis Hill Farm for some homemade ice cream. I had read about the farm in the newspaper a while back, and it's right around the corner from our house, but we just hadn't been. It's a tiny building, and they're only open 3 days a week for 6 months of the year- but the ice cream was AMAZING!! My brother and I both got cones of pumpkin ice cream, the hubs got mint chocolate chip, and my mom got vanilla. The cones were fresh- I think they might have been homemade too, and it was so nice to just sit in little white rockers on the front porch of the building eating ice cream with my family.
Sunday, before the mall expedition, we all went on post to check out the Special Warfare Museum. The hubs and I had been there once before- last year on Memorial Day- but only half of the Museum had been open. We were anxious to see the other half, and we were not disappointed. It's really cool to go through the centuries of changes in warfare, and to see what the SF guys go through.
So, the entire to point to this rambling post is that if you haven't had a chance, go see some of the cool stuff around post!!
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
~* Cinderella Got Her Ball Gown *~
Actually, she got 2.
My mom and brother came to visit this past weekend, and we all (Prince Charming included) decided to go dress shopping. We have our first Military Ball together in a few weeks, and I was not government-issued an appropriate dress. I do have a slightly unusual problem when it comes to shopping for formal dresses- many of them are lower cut, and I have a tattoo in the center of my chest. The hubs said it doesn't bother him, but I want to look nice and not be a reason for any unpleasant gossip in his direction. So, shopping was a bit of a nightmare.
I had promised the hubs that I could find a nice dress for less than $100, too. I'm a helluva bargain shopper, and since I don't have a very long client list yet, I always feel guilty for spending money. I had taken on a pretty insane mission.
We had decided to try the mall first. I don't mind altering a dress a little if it's not a perfect fit off the rack, and the hubs and my brother wanted to look for some things anyway. First stop was JCPenney. By the way, I will NEVER be shopping in Penney's again. I had taken 4 or 5 dresses into the dressing room. The hubs, my brother, and mom all waited inside the doorway at the end of the hall. Well, security told my husband that he had to leave because men weren't permitted inside the dressing room area. My brother got offended because they were only speaking to my husband, and I got upset because the area wasn't gender-specific, and because I didn't want to have to walk all the way down the hallway, leaving my personal belongings unattended. Plus, they were just very rude about it.
On to Belk. I had never been in a Belk store before, but it's just another department store. Just another department store where I hit the jackpot. Ok, let me clarify- we had ventured in and put a dress on hold, wandered into Sears, went back to Penney's (the dressing room thing happened on the 2nd trip), then back to Belk. So, back to Belk to pick up the dress we had put on hold. I wanted to scour the racks a second time to be sure I wasn't missing anything. I ended up taking 4 dresses, plus the one I had placed on hold, into the dressing room. 3 black dresses were dismissed by the general consensus as "eh, nice but not WOW". Then I stepped into a royal blue, one-shoulder Ralph Lauren number that had a $180 price tag. I got goose-bumps as I looked at my reflection in the mirror. Holy crap, I look amazing.
Then I put the on-hold dress back on. It's also a one-shoulder number. It's pink and silver and very barbie-doll-like and the hubs loves it. I like it, but not as much as the blue one. SO....turns out the pink one is 50% off the 50% off that is already marked on the ticket....from $200 to $25!!! The Ralph Lauren was 50% off, plus 15% off for some sale that day...so $76!!! The hubs decided to just get both and we can decide later, and paid (after tax) $108 for both!!! Looks like Cinderella is now equipped for 2 balls, folks (get your mind out of the gutter). Prince Charming is pretty amazing.
My mom and brother came to visit this past weekend, and we all (Prince Charming included) decided to go dress shopping. We have our first Military Ball together in a few weeks, and I was not government-issued an appropriate dress. I do have a slightly unusual problem when it comes to shopping for formal dresses- many of them are lower cut, and I have a tattoo in the center of my chest. The hubs said it doesn't bother him, but I want to look nice and not be a reason for any unpleasant gossip in his direction. So, shopping was a bit of a nightmare.
I had promised the hubs that I could find a nice dress for less than $100, too. I'm a helluva bargain shopper, and since I don't have a very long client list yet, I always feel guilty for spending money. I had taken on a pretty insane mission.
We had decided to try the mall first. I don't mind altering a dress a little if it's not a perfect fit off the rack, and the hubs and my brother wanted to look for some things anyway. First stop was JCPenney. By the way, I will NEVER be shopping in Penney's again. I had taken 4 or 5 dresses into the dressing room. The hubs, my brother, and mom all waited inside the doorway at the end of the hall. Well, security told my husband that he had to leave because men weren't permitted inside the dressing room area. My brother got offended because they were only speaking to my husband, and I got upset because the area wasn't gender-specific, and because I didn't want to have to walk all the way down the hallway, leaving my personal belongings unattended. Plus, they were just very rude about it.
On to Belk. I had never been in a Belk store before, but it's just another department store. Just another department store where I hit the jackpot. Ok, let me clarify- we had ventured in and put a dress on hold, wandered into Sears, went back to Penney's (the dressing room thing happened on the 2nd trip), then back to Belk. So, back to Belk to pick up the dress we had put on hold. I wanted to scour the racks a second time to be sure I wasn't missing anything. I ended up taking 4 dresses, plus the one I had placed on hold, into the dressing room. 3 black dresses were dismissed by the general consensus as "eh, nice but not WOW". Then I stepped into a royal blue, one-shoulder Ralph Lauren number that had a $180 price tag. I got goose-bumps as I looked at my reflection in the mirror. Holy crap, I look amazing.
Then I put the on-hold dress back on. It's also a one-shoulder number. It's pink and silver and very barbie-doll-like and the hubs loves it. I like it, but not as much as the blue one. SO....turns out the pink one is 50% off the 50% off that is already marked on the ticket....from $200 to $25!!! The Ralph Lauren was 50% off, plus 15% off for some sale that day...so $76!!! The hubs decided to just get both and we can decide later, and paid (after tax) $108 for both!!! Looks like Cinderella is now equipped for 2 balls, folks (get your mind out of the gutter). Prince Charming is pretty amazing.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
~* These Feelings I Feel *~
I feel like I'm boring myself with all these posts about re-adjusting. But it's only been 3 weeks, and the re-adjusting is still happening.
I feel so alone. The only place I don't feel alone is the gym. That's become my sanctuary. The hubs doesn't push me to work out anymore, I do it on my own. He doesn't even come with me anymore. He's got another guy around to keep him company.
It's crazy, but I'm a little jealous of the roommate. They spend all day at work together, then go to the gym together, then sit at home and drink beer and eat the dinner I cooked. Together. And I'm just on the outside, watching it all and screaming on the inside "WHAT ABOUT ME?!?! DOESN'T ANYONE WANNA PLAY WITH ME???" like the kid left out of the sandbox.
I'm not sure if it's the jealousy or the bitterness at the complete upheaval of my life, but something has sparked a LOT of anger inside of me lately. It's a very uncomfortable feeling for me. I'm a pretty positive, upbeat, chill kinda person, and to feel so much rage makes me a little nauseous. And frankly, I don't handle it well. I've gotten good at walking away from the hubs and the situations at home that make me angry, but I worry that walking away will make me resentful, and ultimately more angry. I usually feel better after a little time away, and sometimes I forget what I was upset about in the first place, but is it really a healthy thing to do? I don't know. I've thought about going to talk to someone about it, but I'm not sure anyone can help me. I think the only advice I would get would be to communicate with the hubs (tried it, doesn't always work, often the very source of my frustration) or to do exactly what I'm doing, and walk away before saying things I'd regret. I guess only time will tell.
On the upside, my mom and brother are coming to visit this weekend, and I'm looking forward to some quality family time.
I feel so alone. The only place I don't feel alone is the gym. That's become my sanctuary. The hubs doesn't push me to work out anymore, I do it on my own. He doesn't even come with me anymore. He's got another guy around to keep him company.
It's crazy, but I'm a little jealous of the roommate. They spend all day at work together, then go to the gym together, then sit at home and drink beer and eat the dinner I cooked. Together. And I'm just on the outside, watching it all and screaming on the inside "WHAT ABOUT ME?!?! DOESN'T ANYONE WANNA PLAY WITH ME???" like the kid left out of the sandbox.
I'm not sure if it's the jealousy or the bitterness at the complete upheaval of my life, but something has sparked a LOT of anger inside of me lately. It's a very uncomfortable feeling for me. I'm a pretty positive, upbeat, chill kinda person, and to feel so much rage makes me a little nauseous. And frankly, I don't handle it well. I've gotten good at walking away from the hubs and the situations at home that make me angry, but I worry that walking away will make me resentful, and ultimately more angry. I usually feel better after a little time away, and sometimes I forget what I was upset about in the first place, but is it really a healthy thing to do? I don't know. I've thought about going to talk to someone about it, but I'm not sure anyone can help me. I think the only advice I would get would be to communicate with the hubs (tried it, doesn't always work, often the very source of my frustration) or to do exactly what I'm doing, and walk away before saying things I'd regret. I guess only time will tell.
On the upside, my mom and brother are coming to visit this weekend, and I'm looking forward to some quality family time.
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