Friday, May 6, 2011

~* Craving a Cigarette *~

So, I've "quit" smoking. I put it in quotations, because it's not exactly intentional. I just don't have money right now, I don't have a car, and I know Mr. M is not a fan. He wouldn't ever tell me to just quit, but I know how he feels about it. When I do smoke, I always wash my hands and rinse my mouth with mouthwash afterward for his sake. But it's been 24 hours since I had a cigarette, and dammit, I want one.

I don't know why there's so much tension between us lately. We haven't even been married for 2 full weeks! We've only had sex 4 times since we got married, and he blames that on the fact that we just got a dog on Easter. Then give the damn dog away!! I would much rather have my husband than a freakin' dog any day!!

Mr. M left for work this morning in a pissy mood, and then texted me telling me I made it worse because I "had an attitude" when I told him that I hope he comes home in a better mood. Yeah, I did have an attitude. I wake up with his alarm at 4:15am five days a week. I stay awake AT LEAST until I'm sure he's up, and not back asleep. I get up to hook the chain on the door when he leaves. I stay awake until he lets me know he made it back to post, between 5:30am and 6am. Monday thru Friday, this is my routine. I don't start my job until tomorrow, so I don't HAVE to get up that early. I do it because I care. I feel like he kinda takes that for granted, and just expects me to be up because he is. I know for damn sure that he won't be up with me at 6am on Saturday while I'm getting ready for work.

I dunno. I hate venting so much. I just want things to be good between us again, but his job is wearing him down mentally right now. They did decide to "grant" him 5 days of leave, which they informed him of yesterday. Doesn't do any good now, so he sees it as a slap in the face. He has to take 5 leave days to stay at home and do nothing really. We can't go back home for the visit. Well, he could, but I told my job that I will be available, so I'll most likely be working. I hate seeing him so miserable, and it tears me up that he thinks I'm making it worse. I try my best to make his home life quiet and easy and stress-free. I don't know what else I can do...Suggestions are welcome.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

~* Wife or Mother? *~

Today, I'm maybe even more frustrated than I was yesterday. Sure, I'll chalk some of it up to PMS, but some of it I believe is completely valid.

I love my husband to death, I really do. But he is a complete slob. Maybe this is because he has to be so squared away for his job, so he doesn't want to bother when he's home. I get it. But I hate it. We have a pretty small apartment, so when there's a mess, it takes over. I hate to be a nag or sound like his mother, but Jesus Christ man, is it necessary to leave clothes all over the living room, receipts all over the counter, and crumbs all over the kitchen?

He tells me he can't take a hint, so just say what I want. I told him on Monday that I wanted him to clean the drains in the kitchen sinks because it just grosses me out. Still not done. I told him I wanted him to put his 3 loads of clean clothes away before I washed another load. Still not done. I've told him repeatedly that I'd love it if he pulled the shower curtain closed to cut back on icky mold. Every freaking day, it's left open. And for God's sake, I would LOVE to have more than an hour and a half per day with him before he falls asleep!

Look, I know he has a tough job and works long freakin' days. I do, I understand, I sympathize, and I do whatever I can to make his life easier. I cook dinner almost every day. I set the alarm on the coffee pot so it's ready when he gets up. I do his laundry twice a week. I pay the bills. I make the grocery lists. I keep the apartment as clean as I can. But I just got a job, I start on Saturday. I don't want my frustration to turn to resentment when I'm working and playing Holly HomeMaker, too.

God, grant me the strength....

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

~* Disappointment *~

So, today I've been an Army wife for 9 days. Mr. M proposed to me on Easter Sunday (he put the ring in my Easter basket, aww), and we did the courthouse thing the next day. I wasn't a huge fan of the courthouse thing, since this is my second marriage, and that's how the first one happened. But, I've learned that the courthouse marriage makes things easier for a soldier. He can start getting BAH, which he's really looking forward to (of course).

Let me clarify- this is not a contract marriage. I truly love Mr. M with all of my heart, and I have no doubt that he feels the same way about me. The rush of the marriage is just hurdle #1 that comes with the territory, I suppose. I haven't been able to tell my family or friends that we are married yet. Everyone thinks we are simply engaged, and will be actually getting married next October. We are planning to have a "wedding" next year, but the secret has become a necessity because of his traditional family. I hate secrets.

The first big disappointment of being an Army wife was dumped in my lap at 8am this morning. Mr. M was planning to take leave starting tomorrow, to give us time to get all of our paperwork in order and for a brief visit home (Delaware). His leave got denied. I have to tell my whole family that I won't be able to come see them as planned. It's especially upsetting for me because my Dad is 77 years old, and I want to get in as much time as I can with him while I can. Now, I have no idea when I'll see him again. I feel selfish thinking like that, since Mr. M just got back from a year in Afghanistan in January, but I can't help it.

Part of me has been angry all day (well, for the 2 hours since I got the news). I feel like maybe if he had put in for leave earlier, he wouldn't have gotten denied. I know he does tend to procrastinate. It's one of the weird balancing acts of our relationship. He procrastinates, I get things done immediately. One of many weird balancing acts. Then, I get bitter. One of his soldier buddies lives in the apartment directly above ours, and he will be going on leave starting tomorrow so he can go back to Texas, get married, do paperwork, and have a few days alone with his new wife. I haven't gotten a single day alone with my new husband and now we don't have time to go to the paperwork and it's not fucking fair. Gah, I'm being a selfish, whiny bitch. I should have preempted this post with a PMS warning. Sorry.

OK, I'm done venting for now. Time to go pop a Midol.
" Don't place your better days in the future."