~* Wiping The Slate Clean *~

That's the only solution I have.

The hubs and I have been arguing nonstop for about 2 months now. Longer really, if you don't count the months he was away. Those were really our happiest months, the only time we've REALLY gotten along. It's been bad. Ugly. Vicious. We have both been mean and hurtful and spiteful. We've both been hurt and angry and sad. We've both been inches away from leaving.

I've told myself from the beginning that if this marriage doesn't work, it won't be because I haven't done everything I can, given it my all. Every time I think I'm fed up, that I can't handle anymore, that I don't WANT to handle any more...I have to be honest and ask myself  "Have you done absolutely everything you can?". To date, the answer is always no. There is always a little more I can give, a little more I can handle. And so, I jump back into the fight.

This time, the ONLY solution I can come up with is to wipe the slates clean and start over. The hubs and I both realize that we don't really know each other. To be fair, we never really got to know each other in the beginning. We didn't give ourselves time to date, and now we are each different people, so figuring each other out has been even tougher. So, I think it's time we dated. We need that "getting to know you" period. I don't know if it's realistic, and I don't know if it's going to work...but it's the last idea I have.

So, today, we went on a date. We went out and shared pizza for lunch. We had ice cream for dessert. We went and did a little shopping together, and sat down and ate dinner together. And we talked. We talked without yelling or blaming or insulting or getting angry. It hasn't been an easy day, and the conversation is harder than I would have expected....but we are both trying.

~* It's His Party...*~

Well, it was, anyway. Yesterday. We celebrated the hubs' 25th birthday. Man, I feel old.

The party was kind of a last-minute thing. We had originally planned to take a weekend and go to the beach. You can do that in November in North Carolina. But, I realized that was really something I wanted to do, and we have been running a little light in the bank accounts, so we decided to do something else. We were going to go to the outlets for a day since the hubs does love to shop, and then do dinner at TGIFridays, because that's where we had our first dinner out together. But then he decided he wanted to have "a few people over". Oh, man.

I am not a good hostess. I know this. I accept this. I am extremely comfortable with this. I have no desire to change this. However, I decided to attempt to compromise this time. It's his birthday, after all. The guy deserves a party. So, I agreed with a few stipulations:

1) NO KIDS
2) I wasn't going to clean up ahead of time, and I wasn't going to clean up afterward.
3) Start early, finish early.
4) Keep it outside. I panic about having that many people inside of the house. I don't know why.

Hmm, I think that sounds simple. But it never really is. There were about a dozen or so people. One guy brought his kid. The kid was quiet, but got into everything, and ended up having a free-standing shelving unit fall on his head. At least it was empty. (The shelving unit, not the kid's head). I didn't clean up ahead of time, but I did have to set up because the hubs is ALWAYS running late. I didn't clean up much afterward, but I did have to bring in some of the food that was left outside. We had people here for 7 freakin' hours. Too damn long. It got cold after it got dark, and rude as it may have been, I came inside and got cozy under a blanket for the last half hour. And, for the most part, people did stay outside, but there were a few times when every guy there was in the house- shots, I presume.

I tried. I really did. I just am not a partier. I don't drink much, and people who are drunk get on my nerves. But, I still think things went fairly well. Nobody puked, nobody got a DUI, nobody crashed on the couch, none of our belongings were destroyed or stolen, and the hubs got the party he wanted. Happy birthday babe ;)

~* Wanting To Be Needed *~

I think everyone wants to be needed, to feel like their very presence is important to someone else. I know I do, and I was lucky enough to have that wish satisfied yesterday.

The hubs and I had a good talk last night. He has fallen into a funk too, because he hasn't had a lot of time to get into the gym and he feels like he has gotten fat and sloppy. Just for the record, he isn't fat or sloppy-looking, but I completely understand how he feels. He told me that he feels like I am the one person he can depend on to make sure he gets into the gym regularly. Blew my mind.

I know it's my job to make sure other people get a good workout on a regular basis, but I never really thought about how I might have an impact on the hubs' workout schedule. Even when we go to the gym together, we never work out together, so I figured he would rather be on his own or with "the guys". I can't explain the awe I felt at hearing how important a push from me is. So, we decided on a plan- even if I've already worked out for the day, I'll stick around and do some extra cardio or something to make sure the hubs has no excuse for not getting to the gym regularly. And, I've learned (yet again) not to jump to conclusions- just because he's big and brawny doesn't mean he can't use a woman's strength every now and again.

~* Come On, Get Happy *~

That's what I have been telling myself all day. Come on, get happy.

I've been in a funk for a while, and I'm tired of it. The only thing I can control is how I look at things, so it's time to switch it up.  I realize I have a tendency of getting stuck on the negatives, and I lose sight of the positives. That's what I've been doing with my marriage. I can't expect good things to happen if all I'm looking for are the bad things. So, it's time to remind myself.

I have a damn sexy hubby. He has a steady job and a mode of transportation. He supports me, financially and emotionally. He loves me the best he can, and he does it even when I'm being a complete horrible bitch to him. He loves my cooking and he loves my job. He encourages me to be better at everything, but never tells me I'm not good enough. He loves our silly little dog. He has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met. He's good at his job, and he will probably never know how proud I am of him. I have no doubt that if I had an emergency, he would drop everything and move heaven and hell to get to me. And I am fortunate enough to know that is a mutual feeling. We may argue and bicker and scream and give the silent treatment, but I believe that our marriage is rock solid. I have a partner, and maybe it's just my turn to pick up the slack. He'll do it for me when it's his turn. That's what partners do.

~* All By Myseeeeeeelf.... *~

That's right, the hubs is on staff duty tonight, and he's not expecting to be home until somewhere close to 10am tomorrow.

Usually, I wouldn't be thrilled about this. Tonight...well, tonight I kinda need my space.

This has been a disappointing week, to put it bluntly. Monday was great, as I've mentioned. But as I also mentioned, I knew it wasn't going to last. Tuesday wasn't terrible, but unremarkable. Wednesday was horrid, and Thursday was just...disappointing.

Let me back up. Tuesday really wasn't anything special. Wednesday, I had a late client, and the hubs was late getting home. I made dinner, and he had a friend of his come over. Naturally, I shared our meal. I was pretty much left out of the conversation, so I excused myself and left them to do their "guy" thing. Next thing I know, the hubs decides to show off his guns. In the bedroom. I HATE having people- especially people I don't know- in our bedroom, and he seems to forget that it is OUR bedroom. We've had that conversation more than once. Then, his friend left a little after 9pm. I had to be up at 4am, so I went to go to bed. I gave the hubs about a half hour before I started to wonder what he was up to. He was on the freakin' computer. I couldn't even get a half hour with him before I needed to sleep, but he had time to fuck around on the damn computer. I was livid.

I got over it yesterday, as I usually do given enough time. I suggested we set aside some time for a lunch date next week. He countered with a promise to make the evening better. Shoulda known better. He fell asleep at 7:30pm. I woke him up at about 8pm and practically begged him to spend an hour with me since I was leaving at 5am and wouldn't see him til sometime Saturday. Nope, no chance. He couldn't stay awake.

It's so disheartening to know that if it's something involving his buddies, he can stay awake without a problem, but unless we're having sex, I can't get him to stay awake for one effing hour.

~* Funny How Things Work Out... *~

Just yesterday, I had decided to just start taking care of myself again, and letting everyone else take care of themselves. And I was on a really good 8ish-hour roll.

Then the hubs came home. And we just clicked! Like magic! I know it won't last, but the realization that maybe when I start taking care of myself, the rest will fall into place is pretty overwhelming right now. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm more than a little bit of a control freak, and I like to know that everything is done and clean and in its place, and I have always believed that if I don't get it done, and NOW, it won't ever get done....so I'm in awe right now.

The hubs called to let me know when he was on his way home from work, and I started dinner. I didn't wait for him to get home- I guess he got stuck in traffic. I was almost finished my dinner before he made it home. He got his plate, cleaned up the dishes, and sat down to talk. We didn't have a really in-depth conversation about anything, but we managed to talk. We even managed to laugh! Like, he almost fell off the couch and choked on his food laughing!

After dinner, he fell asleep for a little bit, and I didn't worry about it. I was busy FB messaging with a friend of mine. When he woke up, he took out the trash and finished loading the dishwasher...and we had some *ahem* adult time!

I've decided not to over-analyze this one, and just enjoy it. Days like yesterday make all the rest of the crap worthwhile.

~* No Rest For The Working Class *~

So, the hubs is on leave. And we haven't left. And we aren't going to. And I feel kinda bad about it.

I don't feel terrible about it. The fact that we aren't leaving means people have the "opportunity" (sarcasm included) to come visit us. That's why my mom and brother came to visit, and that's why the in-laws are coming to visit tomorrow. My mom has been to visit twice before, but this is the first time the in-laws are coming to visit. I think the hubs needs that, he needs to know that his family thinks he's worth the trip.

But we couldn't have gone anywhere anyway. Aside from the fact that the roommate and his screaming toddler would have probably burned our house down (no joke, he forgot to turn the oven off last night), I can't afford to take time off from work yet. I don't have a very large client list, but I need to maintain and grow the one I have. So I've just been working like normal, while the hubs has been working around the house. He's fixed a few things with my car, done plenty of yard work, helped pick out and move some furniture, cleaned a little around the house, and started to settle in.

Not that he hasn't had time for some drinks and video games. There's been a good bit of that, but I feel like he hasn't had a chance to relax. And I just never relax. But we both need some "couple" time to just RELAX. I'm trying to work out a weekend getaway for his birthday next month, but he might not even get to be home for his birthday. He's supposed to be going to WLC, which takes 3 weeks, sometime toward the end of this month. But he's also supposed to be getting some kind of surgery on a vein before that- he's at the doc getting a CT scan right now, actually. Then comes Thanksgiving and Christmas, which are never times to relax, and Airborne School. Maybe, if I'm really lucky, we'll have some time to relax sometime in 2013.

~* These Feelings I Feel *~

I feel like I'm boring myself with all these posts about re-adjusting. But it's only been 3 weeks, and the re-adjusting is still happening.

I feel so alone. The only place I don't feel alone is the gym. That's become my sanctuary. The hubs doesn't push me to work out anymore, I do it on my own. He doesn't even come with me anymore. He's got another guy around to keep him company.

It's crazy, but I'm a little jealous of the roommate. They spend all day at work together, then go to the gym together, then sit at home and drink beer and eat the dinner I cooked. Together. And I'm just on the outside, watching it all and screaming on the inside "WHAT ABOUT ME?!?! DOESN'T ANYONE WANNA PLAY WITH ME???" like the kid left out of the sandbox.

I'm not sure if it's the jealousy or the bitterness at the complete upheaval of my life, but something has sparked a LOT of anger inside of me lately. It's a very uncomfortable feeling for me. I'm a pretty positive, upbeat, chill kinda person, and to feel so much rage makes me a little nauseous. And frankly, I don't handle it well. I've gotten good at walking away from the hubs and the situations at home that make me angry, but I worry that walking away will make me resentful, and ultimately more angry. I usually feel better after a little time away, and sometimes I forget what I was upset about in the first place, but is it really a healthy thing to do?  I don't know. I've thought about going to talk to someone about it, but I'm not sure anyone can help me. I think the only advice I would get would be to communicate with the hubs (tried it, doesn't always work, often the very source of my frustration) or to do exactly what I'm doing, and walk away before saying things I'd regret. I guess only time will tell.

On the upside, my mom and brother are coming to visit this weekend, and I'm looking forward to some quality family time.

~* Stay Calm and Breathe *~

So. This adjustment period is not going smoothly. At all.

The roommate is a slob. My husband is a slob. The roommate's kid is a spoiled brat (not the roommate's fault). I'm caught up in a testosterone tornado and I WANT OUT.

Whoa, not out of my marriage or anything. Just out of the swimming pool of slob I seem to be drowning in.

And it's not just the mess. The hubs seems so negative about EVERYTHING these days. His job. His workouts, The roommate. Even me. And I can't help him, because he has zero interest in talking to me about anything at all. Nothing. At. All.

I feel like we avoid each other. I have tried to stick to my routine. I tried to change it up over the weekend, and got completely frustrated because I didn't get anything done. So, I've decided to stick to what I've been doing because it makes me happy. So, he seems to be home when I'm gone and gone when I'm home. We spent a little time together over the weekend, but it was mostly because we both wanted to get away from the roommate's screaming kid. The strange part is that it's a little irritating that we aren't spending time together, but I don't really mind it. I became very comfortable with my life and where I am while he was gone.

The hardest part to deal with seems to be the sexual stuff. He wants to jump right back into it. He told me he doesn't know how to talk to me about sex, and he doesn't know what turns me on anymore. When I tried to tell him that I want to be wanted on the whole, for more than just sex, he fell asleep. No joke. I was mid-sentence when he started snoring.

All I can do is just breathe. I hope things get better when he gets leave, and finally has some time to get sorted out. I hope someone reads this before going through it all. It's a lot tougher than anyone prepared me for.