Friday, May 6, 2011

~* Craving a Cigarette *~

So, I've "quit" smoking. I put it in quotations, because it's not exactly intentional. I just don't have money right now, I don't have a car, and I know Mr. M is not a fan. He wouldn't ever tell me to just quit, but I know how he feels about it. When I do smoke, I always wash my hands and rinse my mouth with mouthwash afterward for his sake. But it's been 24 hours since I had a cigarette, and dammit, I want one.

I don't know why there's so much tension between us lately. We haven't even been married for 2 full weeks! We've only had sex 4 times since we got married, and he blames that on the fact that we just got a dog on Easter. Then give the damn dog away!! I would much rather have my husband than a freakin' dog any day!!

Mr. M left for work this morning in a pissy mood, and then texted me telling me I made it worse because I "had an attitude" when I told him that I hope he comes home in a better mood. Yeah, I did have an attitude. I wake up with his alarm at 4:15am five days a week. I stay awake AT LEAST until I'm sure he's up, and not back asleep. I get up to hook the chain on the door when he leaves. I stay awake until he lets me know he made it back to post, between 5:30am and 6am. Monday thru Friday, this is my routine. I don't start my job until tomorrow, so I don't HAVE to get up that early. I do it because I care. I feel like he kinda takes that for granted, and just expects me to be up because he is. I know for damn sure that he won't be up with me at 6am on Saturday while I'm getting ready for work.

I dunno. I hate venting so much. I just want things to be good between us again, but his job is wearing him down mentally right now. They did decide to "grant" him 5 days of leave, which they informed him of yesterday. Doesn't do any good now, so he sees it as a slap in the face. He has to take 5 leave days to stay at home and do nothing really. We can't go back home for the visit. Well, he could, but I told my job that I will be available, so I'll most likely be working. I hate seeing him so miserable, and it tears me up that he thinks I'm making it worse. I try my best to make his home life quiet and easy and stress-free. I don't know what else I can do...Suggestions are welcome.

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" Don't place your better days in the future."