~* A Rush Of Emotions *~

I am typing this from the comfort of my own bed. In my own clean sheets. In my own apartment.

That's right folks, I'm branching out on my own again. And it feels amazing. Today alone, I've run the full spectrum of emotions. From being rushed to get the move finished, to excited about spending my first night in my own place, to panic about whether or not I'll be able to make this work, to determination to make it work, to a little bit of sadness and loneliness...but life is good today. And I believe it will only get better from here.

~* Changes Ahead *~

Wow, it's been a while!! I've been soooooo busy lately, I have completely neglected this blog. I'm sorry.

Work has been insanely awesome, and awesomely insane. Our manager's wife PCS'd to Kansas, so our head trainer took the management position. Leaving li'l ol' me in the head trainer position. It's been great and challenging, my schedule got crazy practically overnight. I'm working, actually putting in effort, a full 9 hours a day now, and I had to start working Fridays again. But this craziness has put me in the incredible position to be able to afford my own apartment!!!

J isn't thrilled about it, but he knows it needs to happen. We had a little heart to heart about it. We haven't been doing so hot, and the longer I stick around, the worse it's going to get. He knows I wasn't ready to be living with someone, it just happened out of circumstances. I told him the truth- my moving out isn't guaranteed to fix things, but it's not going to make them any worse either. So, the big day is in about a week and a half. I'd be moving this weekend, but I'll be in DE, helping the family move into a bigger place so they don't all kill each other (not even exaggerating).

Anyway, gotta get to work. I'll try to get back on track with this thing.

~* 75 In A School Zone *~

No, not me. I'd never speed in a school zone. I take that pretty seriously.

I just feel like that's how my life is going. I'm moving in with J. Actually, aside from the bigger furniture, I'm all moved in. And I feel like it's too quick.

I love him, I adore him, and on paper, we are freakin' perfect for each other. But, as I was moving boxes from my car into his house, it kinda hit me that I'm not ready for this. Of course, a little too late. I do this kind of thing all the effing time, and I end up in the exact same position- not knowing how to fix it. How the fuck do I bring up that conversation?? "Hey babe, I'm crazy about you and I'm so grateful that you're letting me move in and it's awesome that you're stoked about it, but uh....let's just make it temporary. I'll move out again in a few months, and then, if things keep going well, back in a few months after that, k?" Grrr.

I am so fucking mad at myself, and it's making me be bitchy to him, and I just need to stop.

~* Stability *~

Normally, I would be using the term stability in reference to training. Today, it's about my life. I just really want some stability, and it doesn't seem to be happening.

Let me rewind-
I don't remember if I mentioned this, but 3 weeks after I moved in with my roomie, she ended up under psych observation for 2 weeks. After hearing all the stories, I chalked it up to a misunderstanding. Someone took something out of context, and she ended up having to pay for it. Weird, but ok. It happens.

Once. It happens once.

She's under psych observation again. I don't really buy into "coincidence", but her situation isn't really my concern. I'm upset because she's been there since last Thursday. I didn't find out until yesterday. I came home on Sunday morning, like I do every week, and she was gone. I texted to see if maybe her work shifts changed, and she never got back to me. Then I woke up Monday morning to see her ex boyfriend's car out front. He stayed in the house, overnight, with just me and the dogs, and nobody bothered to tell me!! That is not ok in my book. I live here, I think I have a right to know who is coming and going, and when, and why. Apparently, nobody else feels the same.

So, now I'm uncomfortable being here. Plus J has been asking me to move in for a while. It's inevitable. He's gonna be lucky #3 one day, and maybe my current roomie situation is a sign that I'm not supposed to be here. I don't believe in coincidence, I do believe in signs. I'm terrified, but I'm excited too. Everything happens for a reason, right? I'm just tired of moving. I'd like to be able to make a place "home" for a while.

*Sigh* Who has a truck to help me move?

~* Hiatus *~

This might be my last post for a little while. I'm moving tomorrow, and I don't have my own computer yet. Hopefully, mine will get here quickly, but who knows?

Tomorrow is the big day. Moving day. Moving out, moving on. I'm going to be sharing a place with a pretty cool chick and her 4 dogs. I won't be lonely, that's for sure. It's a nice place, with plenty of space, and it's 2 miles away from work, which is freakin' amazing. I'll be able to sleep til 4:30am, instead of getting up at 4am! Seriously, the money I'll save on gas should be pretty awesome.

I know somebody out there is probably thinking "Wow, isn't that really quick? Aren't you sad at all?". Well, sure I'm sad. But, I can't keep living like this separation and impending divorce isn't going to happen. It's unhealthy for both of us for me to stay in the house, and we both deserve a better quality of life. As for the quickness...well, I don't think it's quick. I've ended relationships and moved out in the same day before.

I'm hoping 2013 brings better times, more smiles, and peace for the both of us. I'm ready to move beyond the misery. So, til next time...